If you’ve followed me for a while either here or on my original site, you may have noticed a common theme throughout … I’ve written a lot about endings, beginnings, recalibration, recalculation reinvention, over & over & over. As a pisces, a water sign, a mermaid at heart, I live in a constant state of flux & fluidity. Movement. Swells. Waves. Currents. Ever changing tides. And I am always asking myself why? Why am I here, again? What have I not learned? Will I ever feel at peace?
One of favorite quotes from Pema Chodron is this ….
“NOTHING GOES AWAY UNTIL IT TEACHES YOU WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW”
There is a reason why my patterns seem stuck in a never ending loop cycle. I may have learned some deep & meaningful lessons along the way, but not to the extent that I needed to, in order for everything to resolve.
2016, was an interesting year … I’ve had a draft of this post saved for months with these photos I captured at a yoga retreat I attended last March. Every once & awhile I would open it up, write some words, erase some words, erase the whole post & start again. End. Begin. The Loop. It was supposed to be my “comeback post” that began as a cathartic way to work through some deep pain. In December 2015, I had a significant, yet complicated relationship end quite painfully. I felt a heartache that I could not put words to. Some moments, I still feel the residual affects of it, but the sharp, deep angst has faded & been replaced with glimmers of hope for the future. I hoped that when the time felt right, I would share my story ~ the process of having my heart broken…wide open … & how I essentially “got my groove back” after feeling like I would never, ever, feel alive again. But … patterns, they repeat.
At the midpoint of 2016, I thought I was solid back on my own two feet. I’d taken a life changing trip to Australia. I came home essentially healed of my heartbreak. I was in a new energy, with a whole new set of goals & plans. Begin Again. I worked with one of my trusted spiritual guides to “open the road” to draw in & manifest whatever was meant for me. The adage “be careful what you wish for” is true. Everything I asked for, I received….with very deep lessons in tow. The love I wanted so deeply? It came, but it burned out quickly. The educational opportunity that I desperately wanted? It was offered to me, but the nitty gritty details that I’d overlooked while caught up in new love, finally caught up with me. Reality check. The international move that I promised was for the purpose of pursuing of my education, & swore was not my running as far away from my life or a particular person? Well, it didn’t happen … after I’d quit my job, given notice to my landlords, packed up more than half of my belongings, & told all of Facebook that I was on my way out. Cringe. Oh yeah…& the one who so terribly broke my heart? Yep, I let him creep back in, momentarily…only to leave behind an even bigger mess of my heart when he left again & for the very last time.
When I look back at 2016, I realize have learned some significant lessons. It has brought many unexpected twists & turns, & now has me landing at the foot of a very large & confusing crossroads. It’s a pattern that’s been repeating itself in my life for years…it seems as if I have come to this place many times before…a place of making big decisions, while being overwhelmed by fear.
“Heartbreak Changes People…” It really, really does. I suppose it is how it changes you that is most important. It can break you, or re-make you. As paralyzing as it can be, you can move through it…with lots of tears, patience, courage, bravery, good friends & family, travel, self care & a whole lotta love
I will leave you with this…the only way out is through. We can try to ignore, evade, erase, avoid, but as Pema Chodron says “nothing ever goes away until it teaches you what you need to know.”